Guest Blog: What Happened After My Lover Died by Alfonso Chinea

I've gotten lots of feedback over my last five posts. People have both agreed with me & accused me of homophbia.
One guy screamed at me.
Others thanked me for speaking up.

Two people told me that while my overall message is right, I sometimes let angry hyperbole get in my own way.
They're right: 35 years of being poorly treated within my own community has had a horrible effect on me.
If I want to get this message across and have a positive effect, I need to tone the anger down, and I thank both individuals for their sage advice.

But I'm certainly not the only one who feels this way. Look at the recent comments posted by John Bisceglia. Look at John's anger & pain at the treatment accorded to him in the community.

Check out this recent post at the Cowtown Bisexual blog:
http://cowtown-bisexual.blogspot.com/2009/04/latest-in-biphobia.html

Imagine how she must have felt to go to http://www.gay.com/, perhaps the biggest gay website in the world, and read an op-ed that "informs" her that her sexual preference isn't "real".

We shouldn't be making each other feel that way, but we do, every day, and that's why I'm
taking this stand.
I, and others, want something better.
We want an LGBT community that embraces it's own.

And now, I present a guest blog that was sent to me by San Francisco resident Alfonso Chinea, who shares the shabby treatment he got at a gay counselling clinic in the aftermath of his lover's passing.
I'm happy to post this a the author's request.
Alfonso concludes his essay with a strong statement that I hope readers will think about.


What Happened After My Lover Died
by Alfonso Chinea

I just got home from work. Larry, my lover and his best friend David, both of the photographers, had spent a lovely August day in San Francisco, taking digital photos all over town.

In the seven years we were together, we seldom raised our voices, let alone argued.
We both came from intensely strange families. We both read widely & voraciously.
We enjoyed food & the company of friends.
The relationship fit like the proverbial glove and I was he happiest I had ever been in my life.

Larry was particularly happy that night. He had a great day with his best friend. We were little more than a month away from a 3 week trip to Europe, a kind of delayed honeymoon,
since financial difficulties had kept us from doing any kind of traveling. Larry had been awarded a lump sum plus monthly disability
payments from Social Security: his neck injury sustained as a teenager had grown so bad he could no longer work for any legnth of time. I was concerned how long the fight to Europe would last. Larry assured me he would be fine.

We went to bed that night, talking about the trip. Eventually we fell asleep. At exactly four in the morning, I heard what I thought were one of Larry's snores. Normally I would nudge him, he would turn, and fall asleep.
But the noise really didn't sound like a real snore, and his body shook. I lept out of bed and turned on the lights.

Larry's beautiful eyes were wide open and unfocused, his lips parted, spittle dripping from either side of his mouth. I shook him & screamed so loud my ears hurt. I dialed 911, the lady talked me through CPR, the ambulance arrived quickly, the apartment was filled with paramedics in a matter of moments. A hefty man, the leader (I think) took me into the kitchen and had to tell me what happened while the rest of the team applied to the defibulator. The last time I saw the man I loved more than my own life, strangers were zipping him into a black, plastic bag before they carried him away.

I had called David. He arrived just in time to see his best friend completely covered & carried away in a stretcher. I could barely see through my tears and all the noises I heard seemed muffled.

The comfort I recieved from friends, including
my own best friend (and my ex) helped as bst they could. But I saw no point in getting out of bed, eating or even breathing. My friends urged me to seek counselling. With my history of depression which extended back to childhood, I knew I was a suicide risk. I bought a box of sleeping pills & I felt a sense of contempt for myself. I didn't understand why I couldn't just do it!
At least two friends urged me to call New Leaf. (a gay counselling clinic)

When I contacted the agency, the receptionist heard what I needed~~grief counselling or a referral. She put me on hold. In short order, I was talking to a counsellor
who happened to be a woman, in a cold and brusque manner she informed me that New Leaf did not offer grief counselling. Then the line was silent. I asked if she could give me a referral. She said no.

I said goodbye and felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach.

I remember going to bed afterward and wondering what I had done to warrant such behavior. (A recovering Catholic, I still get the occasional bleed-through of un-earned shame in time of crisis) I had absolutey no
appetite that night (I'm Cuban American, for me to lose my appetite is like a bird losing their desire to fly) I know I'm getting depressed when I sleep more than my usual 6-7 hours, I slept ten hours that night.

A day or so later, after much sleeping and virtually no eating, I got up the mood to take a walk. I dropped by Magnet, a non-profit
in the Castro that deals with gay men's health issues. I talked to a volunteer. I didn't know that they could help since I'm HIV negative and have no addictions. The counsello proved more than helpful, he refered me to AIDS Health Project. Despite my HIV status I got six months of free counselling. After the first session I felt well enough to go back to work. Every week, I knew I had at least one place to go where I could share, cry, vent, do whatever else was necessary. I truly believe I am alive today as a result.

If I had not pursued counselling elsewhere, I may well have commited suicide. Even the, I ealized that all agencies cannot be all things to all people, but I do find it strange that New Leaf, which deals with many mental health issues, could not have at least given me a referral. And a smidge of courtesy would have been nice.

I consider myself lucky & a concerned for others who may not be so lucky.

While I think many gay men forty & up suffer from a kind of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to our experiences of the 80s & 90s in dealing with the AIDS pandemic, I don't see how that justifies the rampant bad treatment that so many of us have come to take for granted.

We Need to Work Together

A few weeks ago, I attended a Marriage Equality rally in front of San Francisco City Hall.
Here's the story I wrote about it:
http://www.truthwinsout.org/blog/marching-for-marriage-san-francisco-to-sacramento/

As you can see, I interviewed a young man named Martin for the story.
He was one of six interviews I conducted that day, all in the space of an hour.
I'm pleased with how the story turned out~~I was somewhat scattered that day, trying to get all the quotes accurately while people made speeches, played music, chanted & danced.

Martin told me two things that greatly piqued my interest:
he had co-founded a new activist group which sounded worthy of a story.
He was also planning to attend Meet in the Middle, a huge, upcoming Repeal Prop 8 rally, to be held in Fresno CA, a 4-5 hour drive from San Francisco.

A week later, I sent Martin my published story via email.
At that time, I asked him to be interviewed RE: his new group. I also asked him if he wanted to get a group of 4-5 people together to share a car rental so we could attend the Fresno event. I want to attend Fresno so I can write about the rally.

Instantly, Martin slammed the door in my face, making it very clear that there would be no further contact between us.

Did Martin do this because he thought I was coming on to him? I wasn't~~he's too young for me & I suspect that I'm too old for him.
Nor did I feel that he was coming on to me when I interviewed him.

I looked at him and saw someone who was fighting for the same cause I was: Marriage Equality.
I saw an ally.
I wanted to write something positive about his new activist group.
I thought we could network and help each other get to the rally in Fresno that we both wanted to attend but didnt have the means to get to.
A polite decline would have been fine, but I didn't even get that.

This is how far too many gay men treat each other~~I've seen this again and again over the years.
Sometimes it's directed at me, other times I've seen entire organizations turn into a cesspool of infighting until they collapse under the weight of it.
Queer Nation, an activist group from the 80s whose mission statement was what we needed at the time,
barely lasted a year because it's members refused to work with each other.
I attended two Queer Nation meetings and saw this first hand.
Many of the group's members wouldn't give each other the time of day.
Are we serving our cause well by behaving this way?

In my now 8 year old writing career, I've managed to walk in some rather tall grass.
I'm on a first name basis with people who work in the publicity departments of ABC, CBS, NBC, and Lifetime. I've interviewed people who've won Academy Awards (Rita Moreno, Sean Penn, Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black), and people who are considered legends (Sigourney Weaver, Tony Curtis, Star Trek's George Takei). Many of them thanked me for quoting them accurately. I actually received a gift from the producer of the NBC soap opera Passions, because he was so pleased with what I had written about his show.

Though of course there are exceptions, it's only when I deal with people within the LGBT community that I'm treated with any kind of rudeness. This often happens in the context of offering someone positive press coverage.

In the hallowed halls of Hollywood, I've yet to be treated this way even once. Maybe LGBTs can learn a thing or two from the film industry that so many in our community worship.

As it now stands, the rudeness and arrogance of my fellow LGBTs towards each other is the most self defeating
behavior I've ever seen. It's harming our psyche as a community, and it's harming the level of support we get from other communities.

It's time for us to create something better.

As for those of us who think they're too good to talk to each other: I would hope they realize that there's a lot to be gained from networking & working together.

On my end, the door will always remain open.

David Alex Nahmod
SF CA
April 2009

Cowards!

This past week, in preparation for my upcoming op-ed piece at http://www.truthwinsout.org/, I contacted a number of LGBTs who have a well known history of citing their sexuality to justify inflicting rudeness & abuse on others in the community.
Some were individuals who had bestowed such behavior on me.

In each case, I told them that the piece I'm writing had already been accepted for publication~~it indeed has been.
I told them that it was my intent to give them a fair chance to defend their actions. I said I would quote them accurately & treat them with courtesy.
I assured them that they would be in the piece regardless of whether or not they responded.

Not one of them responded.
Not one has the courage to be honest about their own behavior.
Not one of them cares how their behavior effects others in the community.

But a lot of other people did respond.
I got amazing quotes from people who are tired of this.
One gay man from Ft Lauderdale Florida, who used to work at a gay owned business, said he'd never work for a gay business again, because of the way the bosses treated him~~and continue to treat everyone else.
A quick search of his local alternative weekly paper revealed a letter to the editor from another gay man in that area:
"There sure are a lot of mean queens around here," the letter said.

Only yesterday, a woman here in San Francisco told me that she does not look to the LGBT community for friendship, because of the community's intrinsic "snobbishness & cliques."
"It was bad enough to see this in Junior High," she said. "To see people behave that way in their 30s and 40s is even worse."


Quotes from them & others will appear in the Truth Wins Out piece.

I say these things because I can no longer tolerate an LGBT community that rejects it's own. We are under siege and we need each other. Those of us who want a real, loving, nurturing LGBT community have been silent
for too long.

My own personal horror story, having my relationship literally stolen from me by Christian conservatives, could have been stopped by a supportive community.

Stop for a moment, if you will, and consider how I must have felt to have been told by literally dozens of gay activists & journalists that they "don't care" that this was done to me, and that I don't deserve to be heard.
We should not be talking to each other like that.

The anti-gay hate I endured from right wing Christians was deliberately enabled by "friends" like Alice & Chris, who admitted that they intentionally ignored what I was telling them because they needed to "educate" me about my "co-dependency", and by Niki D'Andrea, a Phoenix based journalist who actually told me that her lesbianism justifies lying in print.

This is not how a real community behaves.
At what point does it become OK to say:
"I want something better than this."

I'm not the only one speaking out.
This week's Bay Area Reporter (http://www.ebar.com/) reports that the entire gay community of Fresno CA is apalled at how they were intentionally ignored and shut out of the recent No on Prop 8 campaign, by the campaign organizers.
They too, are demanding something better.

Right on!

David Alex Nahmod
SF CA
April 2009

The Way We Are

This past weekend, a number of people told me what they thought of my harsh critiques of the LGBT community, and of my use of the terms:
bitchy queen/angry dyke
in my last two posts.

By a 25% margin, I was told that my message was valid, but that use of those words was somewhat offensive & diluted the message.
Everyone who told me this was friendly & respectful, which is all I ask of anyone.

By a 75% margin, I was told that my use of those terms was right on the mark.
"That's what they are, that's what they do," I was told.

I expected the response percentages to be the opposite, so naturally I was pleased.
Still, I don't want to offend supporters. I won't dilute the message, but I will cease use of those terms (while letting past posts stand).

The sad truth is this:
The LGBT community is, by & large, rude, abusive, uncaring and unsupportive towards it's own. Huge numbers of us consider sexuality to be an excuse to treat others in the community badly.

But I'm finding that just as many of us are tired of this. We want a real community.

We're tired of being told that we don't count & don't deserve to be heard.

It's bad enough to be treated that way by right wing religious fanatics~~getting that same treatment from your own is just too much.

Yesterday, on the Muni Underground (the SF Subway system) I saw an example of exactly how we treat each other: As I sat and watched, one gay man tried to strike up a friendly conversation with another gay man. The second man was so rude and cold, it was shocking even to me, even though I was not part of this exchange.
The first man looked like he wanted to change his seat, but was too embarrassed
to move, while the second man sat there, posing for everyone on the train like the "great beauty" he clearly believed himself to be.

People like that second "gentleman" are all too typical of how we behave towards each other. People like him have been given a free pass for decades.

In the aftermath of AIDS, Matt Shepard, Prop
8 and the gay murders in Iraq, there is no longer any excuse for allowing such arrogance and rudeness to continue poisoning our community.

The one place LGBTs should be able to find solace & support is among other LGBTs.
No one who falls under the LGBT banner should have to fight to be heard, no one should be ignored, or be made to feel like they don't belong, and shame on anyone who thinks otherwise.

These past three posts are a prelude to an op-ed piece I'll be writing for the gay rights watchdog website Truth Wins Out.

I hope to plant the seeds of change.
We have allowed ourselves to become bitter, mean spirited & fragmented.
We have made our rejection of each other the basis of our culture.

Whether that changes is up to us.

David Alex Nahmod
SF CA
April 2009

The Deafening Silence

When I first began writing about my own personal story at this blog I was immediately supported by three
online venues:
Truth Wins Out, Ex Gay Watch, and the NG Blog.
I was also supported by Gay USA, a weekly news show on Free Speech TV.

But at LGBT print publications, at gay rights groups, and by friends who claim to be gay activists: I was told by a 100% margin that no one cared & that I should "get over it."
In one case, Niki D'Andrea, an out lesbian journalist in Phoenix, made it her personal agenda to discredit me.

"But my relationship was targeted for destruction by Christian conservatives," I said. "They're using my ex's mental disabilities as a control device. They're tampering with his mail. Doesn't this story raise gay rights issues?" Other people who knew my ex came forward & spoke up in my behalf.

"Not interested, don't care, get over it."

Now, as the gay murders in Iraq escalate, as a mass grave filled with the bodies of 25 gay men is discovered in Sadir City, the same venues who supported me are rallying around Iraq's gay community.
But many of the same venues that blew me off so rudely are also ignoring the plight of Iraq's gay murder victims.

So what chance do I have when not even the mass murder of gay men will get these tired queens off their asses?

Last night, I stumbled upon an issue of the Advocate from last fall. In the cover story, Gay Is the New Black, numerous people, including people who had money they had wanted to pour into the No on Prop 8 campaign, said they were ignored by the No on 8 campaign organizers.
Think about it: they wanted to help defeat California's anti-gay Prop 8, and they were ignored by the people
who were running the very campaign they wanted to support.

So again, what chance do I have when the community ignores even those who want to help a cause the community alleges to support?
What a laugh the Far Right is having at our expense!

How, when & why did we become so arrogant, and so self defeating?

When did turning our backs on each other & telling each other to shut up become a "gay right"?
In some cases, I've seen our own people hiding behind false cries of "racism, sexism & homophobia"
to justifiy inflicting abusive treatment towards others in our community!
QUIT, the "Queer activist" group I discuss in my last post, are masters at this.
Nelson at NG Blog calls it "gay on gay hate."

When are we going to own up to our attrocious behavior towards each other?
When are we going to wake up and learn that a united community wins?

I'm a pretty strong person.
I'll continue to get my own story out there any way I can.
I'll continue to find those who do care & network with them.

I'm now getting involved in the plight of Iraq's gays, and hope to help a few of them get asylum to the USA.
I've just made contact with an Iraqi LGBT group in London.
I do this in part to save gay lives, in part to show people here what we can accomplish when we cut the snarky bullshit & work together.

I make no apologies for my sometimes angry outbursts: what I'm seeing is appalling, and my anger is justified.

I wish Harvey Milk were here.
That great gay leader, who rallied the gay community together shortly before he was murdered in 1978, is who we need now.

Is there another Harvey out there?

David Alex Nahmod
SF CA
April 2009

The Buck Stops Here

This past weekend, CNN reported that
the Iraqi goverment was executing it's gay citizens, thereby joining Iran & Saudi Arabia, who also deal with their "gay problem" through murder.

Yet in the American LGBT "community", it's business as usual.
Bitchy queens and angry dykes rule the roost.
As our brothers & sisters in the Middle East are slaughtered, support for each other in the American community barely exists.

Here in the Bay Area, we're "blessed" with "Queer Activist" groups like QUIT, who routinely engage in acts of disruption & vandalism against local businesses.
QUIT claims to be doing these "actions" in solidarity with the Palestinian people.
Check out QUIT's site: http://www.quitpalestine.org/
& click the Actions page to see photos of their "occupation" of a Starbuck's in Berkeley, during which time they renamed the City of Berkeley "Queererkeley".
It's surreal~~but it's at their site for all to see.

What the hell does Starbuck's have to do with the Middle East conflict, and how is such childish, ignorant behavior going to "liberate Palestine?"
Yet QUIT, who does NOTHING to support gay rights, get positive press coverage in gay publications.

A few days ago, I suggested to a few people
that they check out the new MTV film Pedro.
The film tells the life story of openly gay Real World cast member Pedro Zamora, who educated viewers about tolerance & HIV prevention.
Zamora died of AIDS at age 22.
"I don't want to watch that," they said. "I don't like him."
How "charming" it is to listen to gay men trashing a gay man who died of AIDS at such a young age.

Things aren't much better in Phoenix. Last year, I approached Patrick, editor of Echo, Phoenix's gay monthly magazine.
I had hoped he would do a story on Beecher, my clueless, mentally ill ex, who continues to live with the conservative Christian family who commit fraud, perjury & mail tampering
to keep him isolated from the gay community & under their thumb.
Beecher & his pals live about 20 miles from Phoenix, and the story raises many bigger picture issues regarding gay rights & mental health.

Patrick's rude, uncaring response is frankly, what I've come to expect from gay men.

I called Patrick again today, not to discuss Beecher but to discuss the gay murders in Iraq. He's one of many gay journalists I hoped would be interested in starting a movement to help gay Iraqis leave that country.
Said Patrick: "I thought I already told you that I wasn't going to get involved in your quest to get back together with your boyfriend."
Patrick said this before he even knew why I was actually calling~~his tone was snobbish
and borderline abusive.
Exactly the kind of behavior gay men have been inflicting on each other for the better part of fifty years.
It's behavior that the community actively encourages.

Needless to say, Patrick & I argued about Beecher's housemates and never got around to the actual topic I had called about.

After the call ended, I found Patrick's Facebook page. He's a big fan of President Obama, as am I.
He supports gay marriage, as do I.

But like far too many gay men, Patrick is too arrogant to realize that he & I are engaged in the same battle, and that by networking and supporting each other, we win.

When are these bitter old queens and bitter, angry dykes going to learn how self defeating such behavior is?

I should admit that during the 1970s & 80s, I too, was a bitter, nasty queen who equated "gay rights" with rudeness. At the time it was all I knew~~it's what I had been taught by my elders.
But it was never what I wanted.

After seeing half my generation die of AIDS, including an ENTIRE social circle I was once part of (I'm the lone survivor) I woke up.
I began speaking out against such behavior.

"You can only change yourself," someone said to me only yesterday.
True enough.

And so, tonight I sent an email to Helem, a gay Arab group I had written about in ON Magazine a few years ago.
"I'm horrified by the gay murders in Iraq," I wrote. "I'd like to personaly sponsor one or two gay Iraqis for immigration to the USA.
How do I proceed?"

I do this in the hope that I will save a few gay lives, and in direct defiance of those in the community
who refuse to support their own.
It's time for something better.
It's time for us to be there for each other.

It's time to tell the bitter queens & angry dykes to either support their own or leave the table.

David Alex Nahmod
April 2009
SF CA

A Legacy For Beecher's Boys

And now, a short follow up to my last post, which I've linked here:
http://davidsopenforum.blogspot.com/2009/03/anti-gay-hate-of-stephen-polich.html
and to my previous posts about my ex & his anti-gay housemates,

Beecher, who was my partner for 5 years, has two sons, Sean & Scott.
I last saw his sons in 2003, about two nights before Beecher & I moved from Hoboken
NJ to San Francisco. The "boys", now in their 20s, live in Connecticut.

When I pass on, Sean & Scott get a $10,000.00 legacy that I've left for them.
I never had children of my own, and never will.
I had told Beecher as far back as 2000 that I wanted to do this.
In 2006, after seeing all the hate that his housemates had deliberately provoked between us, I decided to do something loving, and made the arrangements.

I will most likely never see Beecher, Sean & Scott again, though I suspect that at some point in the future, there will be some form of contact between us.
Regardless, the $10,000.00 I've left for Sean & Scott (and/or their children) stands.

No matter how many lies Beecher is told about me by his anti-gay housemates & siblings, no matter how angry those lies make him, the $10,000.00 will stand as a lasting act of love for him & his boys.

David Alex Nahmod
SF CA
April 2008